Raising resilient children- why being a “good enough” parent is enough

As parents, we are aware that life has its own share of ups and downs. We also realise that it is inevitable that at some point in time or the other we will be faced with situations laced in uncertainty due to circumstances beyond our control. What we may not always realise though that it is not always possible to shield our children from all such difficulties and more importantly may not always be helpful to do so in the long run. Indeed how we deal with life’s stressors can determine whether we will bounce back from challenges or be broken by them. As parents, it then becomes our responsibility to teach our children healthy strategies to cope with stress and uncertainty. Also, as our children learn that all “stress” is not bad, they start to transform their relationship to it.

One of our most important responsibilities as parents is to help our children develop healthy skills, habits, and perspectives from a young age; this will help them deal with life’s uncertainties and stressors. In other words, it will make them more resilient

In order to deal with challenges effectively, we really need a change in our mindset, in our way of thinking. But this change needs to start with YOU. This is because children are very tuned into their parent’s feelings and use their parents as a model for behaviour and as a mirror for their own feelings.

So, the way that we handle our own mistakes, challenges and the relationship that we have with ourselves play a key role in how our children shape up in their adult life later on. 

Being a “good enough” parent is “enough”

There is no perfect parent. It is a myth.

We simply need to find a way to be absolutely fine with being a “good enough” mother or father

In fact…..

It is way more important to show up and be around our children than to strive for “perfection” in our parenting style

It is way more important to find ways of creating and holding space for our children especially when they are not at their best. This means that we need to be there for the child who is angry, frustrated, sad and disappointed without getting carried away ourselves or withdrawing from their pain

It is way more important to model the way that we deal with our own mistakes; by forgiving ourselves when things go wrong so that we can bounce back from our failures

It is way more important have a good relationship with ourselves and be comfortable who we are and the life we lead; our children learn from what they see us doing much more than any instruction or advice that we give them

It is way more important to celebrate the child that we have instead of wishing for the ideal child that we had visualised for ourselves; in comparing with others we miss out on many opportunities to appreciate our children for they REALLY are and deepen our connection and our attachment with them

As someone had said “There is no such thing as a real parent. So just be a real one

Roots and wings

What our children really need from us is NOT to focus on ways to eliminate stress and hardship for them (this exercise is rather futile) but to teach them and show them ways to cope with such difficult times. In today’s age of digital hyperconnectivity, parenting matters more than ever before. Mental health issues and in some extreme cases suicide in teenagers and young children have sky rocketed.

(There are many reasons for this and I will  address this in my webinar on mindful and strength-based parenting and the importance of attachment relationship later this month- I will be posting updates on my website ans well as my Facebook page – Nourish Heal Connect)

The basic response to a stressor is either a “fight or flight” response or a “freeze and submit” response. While the first response helps us gear up for a threat (whether real or imagined), the second response makes us turn inwards and shut down. Both responses are not helpful in many kinds of situations especially when children (and adults) are not really tuned into their emotions and self awareness is low.

There is a third type of response that is more purposeful and effective and that is a “tend and befriend” response. This helps us to focus on what we can do for ourselves as well as others at the same time allowing us to accept ALL that we are feeling at that moment without trying to change or avoid it. This also enables us to reach out for help when we need it the most. This kind of response fosters a connection with ourselves and others and helps children the most when they have a benevolent adult (usually a parent) that they can turn to. 

If we can teach our children to be more present in their actions and be more aware of their emotions, it would help them reduce stress, increase focus, be more empathetic, and stay calm—just like it does for adults. In other words, becoming more “mindful” really helps and I will be covering this in another post on “mindful and strength based parenting”.

All that I have discussed so far is key to fostering resiliency in children and I have summarised them below.

What are some of the ways that we can foster resilience in our children?

  • We can help them create a “Circle of control”- to remind them that there are things which are out of their control and therefore, no need to stress and worry about them  
  • We can teach our children to reframe the way we think about stress so that they understand that all stress is not inherently bad. Rather, if they are stressed about getting good grades, making new friends- what it really means that they really care about it
  • Just knowing that they are not alone in facing a difficult situation really helps- many times it is enough to know that they are a part of a loving family who cares enough about them to show up
  • One of the most effective ways of teaching our children to be optimistic, strong and always have hope is to help them to cultivate a GROWTH mindset. This is done by focussing on a child’s strengths rather than her weaknesses. Showing our children their strengths and enabling them to use them especially during difficult times is one most powerful lessons we teach our children
  • Inculcating a contemplative practice like mindfulness in our own lives as parents and then imbibing it in our children; these kind of practices create an internal space which enable us (amongst other things) to work through difficult emotions like pain, anger, frustration and is a powerful tool for healing
  • Be a model for and teach our children the value of self compassion; being able to forgive ourselves for making mistakes is key to bouncing back from failure

As someone had said “There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots, the other wings”.

Follow my Facebook page “Nourish Heal Connect” for live sessions on these and other topics as well as my upcoming webinar on mindful and strength based parenting later in November. 

Selfcare- Getting to know yourself (Take back the power to heal yourself Part 3)

This is the last post on the "self-care" series that I have been writing this month. You can read the first part on self care here and the second part on finding your own self-care routine here.

This last post focusses on self-discovery which is an integral part of taking care of yourself. If you do not really recognise who you are any more, how can you expect that you will be able to accept the person that you are today? Not ten years ago, not twenty, but TODAY. Whether we realise it or not, we are all shaped and moulded by our life experiences and we are constantly changing. This is nothing to be scared of as it is a completely natural process; on the other hand, it is something to embrace!

Without this self-awareness and self-acceptance, we rarely find the strength to prioritise self-care.  As you go on a journey to rediscover yourself, you start becoming comfortable in your own skin and learn to show up as you are, without feeling the need to don any masks.

"As you become familiar with yourself once again, you may find within yourself what you have been seeking from others"

In many ways, this has been the most important lesson that life has taught me over the recent years of my struggle. I have had to confront the reality of who I am and initially, I had trouble accepting those parts of me that did not live up to my expectations. For me, it was a combination of expectations around what I SHOULD have achieved in terms of my professional life and my feelings of GUILT around my daughter's health issues (whether it was justified or not is not the point). It will be different for everyone as we all have our own demons.

But, over time as I have consciously spent time with myself in different ways (solo breaks, meditation, relaxation) I have learned to accept myself as I would another person.

I have learned to forgive my imperfections and embrace who I have become and what I stand for and be proud of it. Isn't it wonderful and liberating at the same time to become comfortable in your own skin? 
I invite you to do the same!

This means that you may need to

get over the fear of really connecting with yourself even if it means facing those parts of yourself that you are not comfortable with; these are usually our feelings of fear around shame and unworthiness. Please show yourself the same love and compassion much as you would a child or someone who is hurting, maybe these hidden and neglected parts of you have been waiting for your attention all this while

say "no" to situations and people that don't serve you well at this time; this also makes it easier to say "yes" to those things that really matter in your life and you would like to pursue

find a meditation practice that will help you to practice paying attention; attention to your life, your body and your relationships with everything around you. Being mindful helps you to take part in your life fully and accept all feelings of joy, gratitude, anger, shame and love without any judgement

let go of expectations as you start on this journey of self-discovery; you may even feel the need to forgive and many times you may find that the person you need to forgive the most is yourself

become curious about your likes and dislikes; when was the last time you did something that you TRULY enjoyed doing and not because you had to do it or it was expected of you? Do you still enjoy hobbies, activities and even play like you used to? Find out what your likes and dislikes are at this point in your life by trying out different things

find a way to recognise your strengths so that you can consciously and effectively use them to enhance your life and overcome challenges; (you can use the "best possible self" narrative or even a survey like the VIA character strengths- I will be writing more on this in another post)

meet yourself with a sense of humour; everything in life does not need to be an emergency, you may need to learn to laugh at yourself or at situations at various points in time

explore the reasons behind your need to be "busy" at all times; is there something that you are trying to avoid facing in your life?

As you get to know yourself, you may also realise that

you are "whole" and worthy of being loved just as you are

the love that you desperately seek is right there deep inside of you. And as you start accepting yourself unconditionally, the craving for respect and approval that you seek from others loses its hold over you and social media becomes just another tool for connection and nothing more

your self-worth is not linked to anyone else or any external circumstances (which are usually not in your control); it has been there with you all along, you just needed to find it

you are and always will be a unique "work-in-progress" and that's ok; so is everyone else! The "perfect" body/job/partner is an illusion that we need to recognise and face up to  

With time, the compassion that you show for yourself can turn into unconditional self-acceptance. With this, we realise that most of the times, we need to find the strength to simply show up and be ourselves and know that IT IS ENOUGH. When this happens, we feel connected to ourselves and to everyone else in a way that ultimately gives our life meaning and helps us find our purpose.

As we become comfortable with who we are, we turn outwards because we feel that we are a part of a bigger whole; a realisation that makes us stop feeling isolated and lonely. This is a liberating and joyous realisation and makes life truly worth celebrating. This feeling of being connected to ourselves and others can help us in many different ways. We can find the strength to focus on healing ourselves in more ways than one even if our condition is beyond a "cure". And sometimes, we may find that through our own struggles and pain, we can ease the pain of others.

So I invite you to join me on a journey towards self-discovery. And if you have a need for it, this path that will ultimately lead you towards self-care and healing.

(I would love to hear your thoughts on this and the ONE way that you have decided to embark on this journey of self-discovery. Please share in the comments section below)

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is a word which is being increasing heard nowadays. It forms an integral part of my coaching sessions as well. But what is it?

According to the internationally reknowned meditation teacher Jon Kabat Zin “Mindfulness is awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally. It’s about knowing what is on your mind.”

Jon KabatZinn, Ph.D. is internationally known for his work as a scientist, writer, and meditation teacher engaged in bringing mindfulness into the mainstream of medicine and society. He is Professor of Medicine emeritus at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, where he founded its world-renowned 8 week MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) programme.

In other words, mindfuless is simply being aware of the present moment but with kindness and curiosity. It means paying attention to what is right here, right now without labelling it good or bad or anything else at all. When we are mindful, we are in our true home which is in the here and now. We are not living in the past nor are we living in the present. We are thus able to let go of our fears, worries, regrets and our plans and enjoy being in the present moment. By being mindful we realise that the conditions for our happiness are already there with us. This liberates us in a way as we come to understand that we can be happy with what we have and we do not have to search beyond ourselves for what already lies within us. And our breath can be the bridge which connects us to this truth. As the great meditation master Thich Naht Hanh tells us

Breath is the bridge which connects life to consciousness, which unites your body to your thoughts. Whenever your mind becomes scattered, use your breath as the means to take hold of your mind again.” 

Babies and young children know this intuitively, we are all born with the gift of living in the here and now. That is why they find joy and pleasure even in the most simple things in life which does not depend on any external and materialistic factors. Fortunately, we can relearn all that we have forgotten, all that we think were never a part of us. In a way, as we learn to dissociate ourselves from our thoughts and learn that they are not who we are. By taking the time for ourselves, we can thus learn to silence the voices in our head and feel the healing power of silence. The practice of mindfulness can thus make us truly alive as many of us start really living fully for the first time in our lives. As Thich Nhat Hanh had said-

“Nothing is more precious than being in the present moment. Fully alive and fully aware”